Personal Works

I just want to kiss you

I would sell my soul just to know what your lips taste like

To have their sweetness linger on my own

 

I just want to run my fingers through your hair

To feel it’s softness on my fingertips

And it’s sweet smell in my nose

 

I just want to hold you

To feel the warmth of your skin

And feel your heartbeat through your chest

 

I just want to look at you

To admire your smile without judgement

And to find the secrets held in those eyes

 

I just want to hear your laugh

To know your happy

And that your smile will last when I’m gone

 

I just want to pretend

To not care the way I do

And that the love I hold for you is that of a friend

 

I just want this to be easy

To walk away unscathed

And for you to do the same

 

I just want to forget you

To lose the affection in which I hold for you

And to numb my heart as it has started to hurt

 

I just want to leave you behind

To walk away and feel nothing

A bittersweet goodbye

Tears fall from my eyes

I can feel their warmth and taste their salt

Yet I feel nothing

 

It seems I wasn’t meant to be free

My wax wings are melting

And I am falling

 

Maybe the ocean will be kind

When I plunge into its depths

But who am I to ask that of such a beast

 

I am just a naive little kid

Who saw the brightness of the sun

And thought they could reach it

I promised I’d never do this again

Never feel the way I do right now

That my heart would never hurt again

At least not in the ways it does now

 

My heart turns cold,

And my tears dry up,

God forbid I feel an emotion or two

 

I turn my sadness into anger,

my sorrow into rage,

And push the bad far far away

 

I made myself immune,

So I couldn’t feel the deep hole in my heart

Or the harshness of the insults

That often clouds my thoughts

 

So tell me why I’m sitting here,

Broken and bloody,

In pain and unbearable loneliness,

Yet I’m missing you?

 

I feel no anger,

No rage,

Just pain,

Throbbing, unbearable pain

And I can’t escape it

Not anymore

 

 

 

 

And I hate it

It still follows me

The past

It hides in my closet,

Makes itself known in my mirror

It slips into my pockets,

And it follows me home

I cannot escape it

Even in this autumn paradise

 

The air is crisp but not harsh

The weather not sweltering but the frost has yet to come

And on the colder days I have you

The warmth to my hands,

The wind in my lungs,

The cadence by which I live rests inside your chest,

And yet

I am terrified of you

Of the power I have given you in this Autumn paradise

 

The hands that warm mine have a dangerous grip on my heart

The wind that braces my lungs stings with brevity

The arms that hold me are firm and strong, ready to crush me

And the cadence of your heart ticks

like a clock

Reminding me that our time is limited

Yet I am addicted

To this warm safety and the adrenaline of this risk I am taking

The risk that is entirely in your hands

 

I am so afraid of the end

of this Autumn paradise

But I don’t contain the will to pry my hands from it

And so I fear you

And I fear this

And I stay

For I cannot bare to leave

In every body,

Is a hint of beauty and romance,

In some it shines bright, revealing itself to the world

And in others, it hides away, afraid of the harsh world outside

It hopes to be forgotten, as it’s safer that way

And some of us have forgotten,

The romance and the beauty deep inside of us has been hiding far too long

 

We forget the smoothness of our skin after a bath,

The softness of newly clean hair,

The beauty marks that dot our skin in decor,

And the oil that makes our faces glow in the sun

 

We forget the complexity of our features,

The tears that fall in sadness and in joy

The sweat that rolls down our skin as we bake in the sun or run free in the wind

The goosebumps that show our connection to the world

And the smiles that can brighten a day without even trying

 

We forget the beauty in aging,

How the wrinkles formed from too much laughter,

How the silver hair reflects the sun,

And how the youth in our eyes never seems to fade,

Forever young and wild

 

We forget about the plushness of our bodies

How the squishy bits are soft pillows for our loved ones

And the solid bits support them with love

How the roundness of a belly should remind us to be thankful for the food we have been given, or a new life on its way

 

We forget the lovely shape of our bodies,

The thick muscle in our thighs,

forged from hard work and heavy lifting

The broad shoulders,

Allowing for swift movement through water

And the little pouch that sits on our stomach,

From the “cheat” days that are so well deserved

 

It’s time to love ourselves,

let our romance roam free

 

We must never forget the beauty of our bodies

And the romance in our hearts

She truly is my sun now

Her honey gold eyes that look into mine with such adoration

The warm brunette hair that rests so elegantly on her soft shoulders

That simile and those dimples that continue to leave me breathless

Her laugh that could light up my heart for a century

And believe me it does

I didn’t think I had any room in my heart for a love like this

So simple and uncomplicated

Yet so vast it takes my entire being over

Its warm and bright

And I surely don’t deserve it

But I just can’t help but allow it to fulfill me

And I just can’t help but be hopelessly in love with her

My honey golden sun

I’ve lived to see yet another year

I don’t really know how

As this one was particularly hard

There’s something so aging about being alone in the world

Truly alone for the first time

In one hand I am glad to have escaped the hell I left behind

And in the other I find myself missing it

Longing for the familiarity

The web of lies that looked so pretty in the sunlight

The fires that weathered my skin into a thick and coarse layer of protection

And out here I am alone

No lies to comfort me

No fires to harden my skin

Just the knives

Ready to rake at my arms and down my sides

I can’t avoid them

They won’t go away with a brilliantly weaved web of deception

My heat weathered skin is no match for their sharpened edges

This is a foe I haven’t seen before

Haven’t prepared for

And just like before I have no one to teach me to handle this new enemy

No one to lend me their shield while I recover from the blows they have already managed to land

So I sit here

In this new world

Alone

Bleeding

But nevertheless surviving

Because if I survived the hell I came from

I’ll make this one my bitch